I will be attending a friend's wedding this evening. Feel so happy for him yet ridiculously sad for myself. I knew this friend since MBS days back in 2010, from the days when he was single, got attached, bought a house and finally getting married today. Back then he was still saying that it's kind of hard to get a girlfriend, and guess what? He's getting married today. =) Really happy for him, right from my heart.


Throughout all these years, I have been with u, no signs of progression. It seems like u are still at the stage where u are still studying. Just a reminder, u are 28 this year, a year older than me and I expect more from someone who is older than me. Someone who can at least guide me, give me some advice. Evidently, u can't and I reckon u can never.


Whatever I'm typing now has always been on my mind. In fact, these are the things which come to my mind when I wake up. The stuff that I have in my mind are always the truth in the morning. I tend to deceive myself after I get sober from my sleep. I'm trying to proceed with my next stage of life, as an adult and it seems that I'm struggling with u. A deadweight.


I know stepping out of comfort zone is hard, but my love for u as a human being is to encourage u to try, at least to step out of your comfort zone. If your dad has not stop giving u allowance and stop funding your studies last year, when u were at the old age of 27 years, u won't have started working at all. Making a living for yourself. You would have been depending on your parents. Not that you are not depending on them now. I need someone who can at least support himself.


Back then, when u told me that nowadays no youngsters are paying for their weddings themselves and u quoted an example like your cousins who still had their parents to pay for their weddings, this just saddened me. Are u going to depend on your parents all the time? I'm not going to take money from my parents. They need the money when they are old.


Yes, I know u will have the inheritance when your parents pass on. Is that what u are aiming for? Get the money and move to Australia? So from the time till they pass on, u are just going to not plan anything for your life? One thing I'm very sure, I won't wait with u. It's impossible. If u are thinking that I'm an idiot for not waiting, with that amount of inheritance, any girls would want u. Go ahead and I wish u well.


A man without drive is suicidal. I can hardly use "man" to describe u. U are still like a kid, like a student. After being with u for so long, nothing is concrete. U didn't plan for us. There isn't a future for us to work for. If anyone ask me about my job, I would tell them that there is progression. I am working something out for my job. Whereas, if anyone ask my about my love life, I'm just stucked.


The one that I have been with all these years can't plan. He can't plan to get me a bouquet of flowers and send it to my office on Valentines, even though I told him explicitly back in 2013 that if we are still together, that is what I wanted on Valentines. I think I have given u too many chances. I didn't want the flowers at all.


In case u are wondering, this issue is never about the flowers. It about u stepping out from your comfort zone. I gave u a chance to step out of your comfort zone, at least to prove that u have changed, for the better. And all that u said was, flowers are very expensive, no one will be free to deliver it and u don't want to contact my friends to get my office address. This just broke my heart. Is this very hard to do?


So on Monday, u texted me " I dislike Valentine's day. that's the point. I find it ridiculous to spend that kind of money on super marked up flowers. u could have chosen any other day. I would have done it without any question but u had to choose valentine day."


If I haven't tell u anything explicitly, would u have done it? The question is, if I didn't tell u that I want something special, would u have done it? I got to push u to do something. U can't think. I even got something for your birthday even though u were working on that day and went for a wedding dinner and left me at home. And so I received the flowers which I asked for, after crying in manhattan fish market because I was too heartbroken. They are basically what I asked for. Flowers. No card, nothing. Great. U gave me what I wanted after I cried. Thanks.


I'm not asking u to perform magic. At least to plan and guide me in life. Honestly speaking, I don't think u can ever guide me in life and give me any advice. Whenever I meet problems and text u, u will reply with "Zzz". Such nice advice from a guy who is a year older than me. I would expect that as a older person, u would have more life experiences than me. But, no. U do not have. U can't provide solutions or solve my problems. U can't be my pillar of strength.


It was during Valentines day that I realised that my friendship with the girls have always been stronger than my relationship with u. They have always been my pillar of strength. No matter what I meet in life, problems with my job, family and the relationships, they are always there, listening. For u, it has always been "Zzz". People told me that I can talk to my boyfriend about these. It's kind of hard to tell them that my boyfriend replies with "Zzz" and he can't be bothered. Or when I tell him what happened when we are physically together, he just zoned off.


Please don't tell me to lower my expectations or have no expectations just so I won't get disappointed. I have my expectations and this is not going to change. It's impossible to change u and I have my expectations. The best thing to do, is to move on. I will always miss my two kids.